


Can't Pretend

by Rupert



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Pretty much abandoned I may return to this one day
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-03-31 05:28:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3966115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rupert/pseuds/Rupert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place 3-4 years after Gon and Killua go their separate ways, so they're around 17-18 here. </p><p>Alluka and Gon have more in common then you'd think, and it ignites Gon and Killua's inevitable reunion. But Gon has got himself in a predicament of sorts, and Killua can't believe the lengths he goes to help out his friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. what does 'more' entail?

**Author's Note:**

> There needed to be more fake relationship au's involving these two so I'm adding my own mess to the pile.

After all the things Gon had gone through— from being held captive by the Phantom Trope, fighting the chimera ants, and losing his nen, this was by far the most difficult thing he’s had to deal with.

His homework. Or maybe just school in general would suffice. He scratched his head and let out a few exasperated whiny noises.

“Miiiiito-saaaan!” He called out her name in a desperate plea for help, but realized quickly it was a futile effort. She was making dinner right now; she wouldn’t have time for him right now. His thoughts rang true when she called out ‘ _I’m making dinner, wait for another time!’_ from downstairs. He let out another whine and fell backwards onto his bed. The movement nearly knocked his schoolwork off the bed, but he just didn’t _care_ anymore. Math was _hard_ , and his bed was so soft.

He would wait until Mito-san could help him, he decided. He could stare at his work all day and still not understand it, so he’d wait until she could help him. As much as she acted like it annoyed her, he knew she was secretly happy to help him. To spend time with him. And Gon felt the same way, really.

So instead he took to staring at his phone, something he’s been doing a lot more lately. He let it sit in the corner of his bed while he tried to work, but it never went off. Still, he checked it for anything new and wasn’t surprised, but still might have been mildly disappointed, when there was no new messages.

He really wanted to talk to Killua. Alluka and Nanika too, as he’s had quite a few chats with them and he’s come to really like them! They tell him all sorts of things about Killua, and it’s always fun to tease him with his sisters. But right now, he just wanted to talk to Killua. It’s been two months since the last time they talked—which wasn’t very often to begin with. And he knew that he could message him if he wanted to, but he just _couldn’t._ He didn’t really have a reason to, and without a reason he felt like he was just bothering them. Or that he might interrupt at a bad time as they were still on the run from Illumi after all.

Gon just thought… He thought he would be more preoccupied right now. He thought that he would be _doing_ more. And don’t get him wrong, it’s not like he’s doing nothing at all, but the everyday tasks are so mundane it almost drives him mad. Waking up, eating breakfast with Mito-san and Grandma, going to school, practicing his nen, training, running errands for Mito-san, agonizing over his school work—it was the same every day.

He wanted _more,_ but couldn’t exactly place what _more_ entailed.

 

* * *

  

Alluka loved her brother very, very much. She used to think she could never ever be mad at him. But after three years of living with someone, you realize argument is bound to happen. Especially between siblings.

Alluka also knew that her brother loved her very dearly in return, but sometimes that love made him do stupid hurtful things. They had just reached home and Alluka was _fuming_ in front of her brother—and well, it wasn’t ‘home’ but it’s where they’ve been staying the past month or so. It was an abandoned cottage that sat next to a small river in the middle of a thick forest. It was lightly furnished; still had a couch and a few beds but that was it. And actually, it belonged to Palm. It was a safe, hard to detect place she protected from the world. So it wasn’t really ‘abandoned’, but it was hardly used.

Palm had very graciously let them use the house under a few conditions, but she didn’t stay with them for very long unfortunately. Well, Killua was happy to have her gone, but Alluka missed her already. She could talk about things with Palm she couldn’t bring herself to around her onii-chan and she _missed_ her. She missed her, and Nanika did too! Except for Nanika it was a bit… Well…

“Why can’t I tell her about Nanika!” She cried angrily. She was an angry crier at heart, and it drove her mad. Onii-chan never took her as seriously when she cried—or well, maybe it wasn’t quite like that. But it was like as soon as she started to tear up he got this look in his eyes. Like the only thing that matters is to cheer her up, to get her to laugh and forget about the problem entirely. But not this time, she wouldn’t let herself be swayed.

“Alluka, you know why! We’ve been over this, why don’t you understand?” He was keeping his voice calm, but she could hear his temper beginning to snap. Good.

“No, _you_ don’t understand!” She wouldn’t let him sugarcoat things before she even had a chance to voice her thoughts. “Do you have any idea how Nanika feels?” She saw him flinch at that.

“Do you think I don’t know that?!” He finally cracked, along with his voice. Which is what Alluka wanted, but it still hurt to see. She wanted to hug him then, to comfort him, but she continued despite herself.

“Both Nanika and I have seen so much, and learned so much. We’ve met so many wonderful people, but Nanika is living it all through me. We know we’re a secret, but... But we trust Palm, and _you_ do too. And I know you’re just trying to protect us, and keep us happy, but…but!” She was crying really hard now, tears and snot running down her face and all Killua could do was watch, a glossy film making his blue eyes glow.

“But,” she regained some control of her voice. Some. “It’s not fair if only _I_ get to experience the world. Nanika deserves more, she _wants_ more.” Neither Alluka or Nanika really understood what ‘more’ entailed, but at the very least Nanika should be able to make friends too. And Palm was probably the closest person to Alluka other than Onii-chan. The first time they met, they hardly exchanged a word. They met after they parted with Gon in the city. Palm had stayed to visit someone named ‘Knov’ in the same hospital they just left. She and Killua seemed to get along well, but at the time they both had something… sad in their eyes.

It was almost a year later when they crossed paths again, although in that time Killua would occasionally talk with her over the phone. Mostly about Gon, but he was careful so that she wouldn’t hear their conversations.

Killua was actually excited, if not a little nervous, to introduce the two of them again; and properly this time. They were passing through the same town that Palm had situated herself in, and agreed to meet and catch up. And surprisingly enough for Killua, Alluka and Palm’s friendship immediately blossomed. Alluka never had another girl as a friend! She hadn’t been that excited since her onii-chan saved her from that room…

That room. Spacious and filled with toys, but lonelier than imaginable. Never did she think she would ever have to feel that way again now that she had her brother, and yet..

“Onii-chan,” there had been a deafening silence between them as Killua waited, actually _waited_ for her to say more. It seems as though she finally got through to him. No more sugar coating, no more flimsy band aids over wounds it couldn’t even cover trying to hide the truth. Alluka took a deep breath, calming herself before saying her next words. Gentle and careful.

“We don’t want everything taken care of for us like we’re incapable of living on our own. We _want_ to do things on our own, makes friends and choices of our own. And when we rely on you, we want you to rely on us too,” the last part seemed to take Killua aback a bit, and the salty water building up in his eyes began to spill over. Alluka could see Nanika was crying too, but she nodded furiously in agreement. It wasn’t just Alluka speaking, it was Nanika too.

“If not, then..” Alluka took a step towards her brother. Her face was red and raw from the tears, but she kept her expression and voice gentle, yet serious. It was a look Killua had never seen, and _he_ was the reason behind it. He could feel his heart ready to break.

“If not, then the world’s just a bigger room.” She whispered, taking his hand in hers.

He stopped breathing, his throat making some sort of choking sound as his sister stared at him with determination in her eyes, gripping his hand as if he might try to run. His heart was no longer ready to break, it just shattered.

The worst part is that Killua _knew._ Somewhere deep down, he knew that it wasn’t what his sister really wanted. He knew he had too tight a grip over her. How controlling he was behaving. A flash of Illumi’s face entered his mind unwarranted, and he squeezed Alluka’s hand.

“Alluka,” he surprised himself at how broken he sounded. He repeated the very words he had said to Nanika years ago.

“Can you forgive me for being a bad brother?” Alluka closed her eyes, seeming to contemplate his words and sending waves of fear through Killua. But when she opened them, Nanika’s tearful eyes shown brightly.

“Yes,” she nodded, flinging herself into his arms. He held his sisters tightly in return, the both of them crying into eachother. They stayed like that for awhile, just holding each other as they cried. The sounds of the breeze shaking the trees and the gentle trickle of water from the river outside played in the background as the two of them slowly calmed down.

They both stopped crying, but still had tears staining their faces.

“Alluka, Nanika,” Killua was the first to break the silence. “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” He could feel his sister smiling into his shoulder as they held each other still. He gently patted her head, stroking her hair.

“It was unfair of me to try and control you like that.” _I’m not Illumi._ “I just wanted to keep you happy and safe, but meanwhile I was smothering you.” He gently pulled the two of them apart, resting his hands on her shoulder. She was still shorter than him, but not by much. When had she grown this much?

“I’ll do things differently from now on,” He promised, and she let out a sunshine worthy grin at his words. It was that smile that’s kept him going all these years. That smile, so similar to someone else he knows…

“And we can tell Palm,” he finally agreed, moving his hands to wipe the wetness off his face with his sleeve. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Palm, but it made him uneasy to tell anyone about Alluka and Nanika’s power. If word got out, even from just the slip of the tongue, it could he bad. The fewer that knew, the better. But if it was Palm… It would be okay. After all, he’s never seen Alluka happy in the way she is when she’s with Palm. It made him proud, to see his sister making friends and interacting with other people.

“Thank you, onii-chan!” She hugged him tight one more time before planting a heartfelt kiss on his cheek.

“We love you, Killua,” black eyes smiled brightly at him when she pulled back. He smiled warmly at them in return.

“I love you, too.”

\---------- 

 “Just call him, onii-chan!” There she goes again.

“Alluka, no,” he gave her a stern look, but his heart wasn’t in it. It never was, really.

“But you’re making the face again,” she pouted.  Again with ‘the face’. He didn’t know what that meant; he didn’t realize he was ever making a face.

“You’ve been staring at the ceiling like it’s telling you a sad story,” she moved to sit at the end of his bed. “Do you wanna talk about it?” He was almost annoyed about her constant pestering, but her voice and eyes were filled with so much loving concern he couldn’t feel anything but adoration. So instead he settled with a soft smile before sitting up to face her.

“No, it’s alright. I’m just thinking is all, you should get some rest,” he should have known she’d seen right through him, because she didn’t look convinced in the slightest. Over the past three years he’s traveled with Alluka, she’s become very observant of her brother. She knows him all too well at this point.

“I’m not sleepy yet, and I still want to talk to you. You can talk to me about Gon, you know? I know you think I don’t see anything, but I know it makes you sad,” she frowned and Killua just looked at her guiltily. He never wanted to make her worry about him and—

“ _Ow!”_ Killua rubbed the back of his head, dumbfounded by the sudden impact.

“What was that for??”

“You were thinking stupid thoughts!” She declared, apparently proud of herself for hitting her brother. Jeez, where did she get this from?

“Do you remember what I said before?” She suddenly grew a shade more serious with her words. “I said that if I rely on you, you have to rely on me too! I want you to tell me about the things that make you sad. You tell me stories about Gon all the time, but you leave things out!” What was with her and her sudden interest in Gon? Killua couldn’t place where this was coming from.

“You’re being selfish.” Killua stalled, but it wasn’t really working

“No I’m not!” She pouted.

She wasn’t going to stop until he gave in, this Killua learned over the years he spent with her.

“Do you miss him?” She asked suddenly. He sputtered, not really sure how to respond. Of course he did. Of _course_ he missed him.

“Of course I do, but I can live without him.”

_Liar._

Alluka thought the word, but didn’t say it aloud.

She could see it all the time and it grew worse over the years. Alluka didn’t know Gon very well except for the few conversations over the phone they’ve had whenever he talked to Killua. He sounded very nice, and almost a little pained. She could tell, because it was in Killua’s voice too. Very kind, yet so sad.

“Are you happy being here with me, onii-chan?” It was an unfair question, she knew that it wasn’t like that, but she had to ask. He flinched like the words physically hurt him, and they probably did.

“Of course! I’ve never been happier than right now, Alluka.”

_Liar._

No—no, that’s not it. She knew that it wasn’t quite a lie, but it wasn’t quite the truth either. Something was missing.

“Sorry, that wasn’t a nice question.  I just mean, do you think you would be happier?” Her question was vague, and she hoped he would understand. The big question mark on his forehead proved otherwise.

“If Gon was here, too,” she finished. Killua didn’t even have time to react, because at that moment his phone went off.

A few seconds went by of that awful ringtone Alluka made him set before he begrudgingly grabbed his phone from the small table that separated their beds. He was gonna give whoever was calling an earful as soon as he—

He eyes went wide for a moment, and then he let out a humorless laugh.

“Speak of the devil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too much on Gon and Killua yet, but we'll get there. I love Alluka so much. Just saying.
> 
> Edit: I'm still working out the plot and the direction I'm taking with this so please bare with me as I write this next chapter! It could be a while before I finish it. Thank you for your patience!
> 
> Edit: im trash and i will never update go on without me


	2. picked up on the first ring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am literally the worst updater to exist, but here. Take it for what it is.

Gon was wrong. He was  _excruciatingly,_ horribly wrong. Homework was the least of his problems. In fact, he would have done all the homework in the world if it had meant getting out of this.. this... situation of his. 

In theory, he should have been done with school. That is if he had actually stayed to finish. He could hear Mito-sans voice in the back of his head now, shouting as he left the Island for one reason or another. ‘ _You better come back and finish up your studies, you hear me!’_ Oh how he wished he listened now.

Well, actually, that’s not really true. Even with that said, if Gon was presented with the same situation with the knowledge he has now, in the end he would have done the same. It was worth the grueling training he left home for to get his strength, and his nen back. However, that was a story for another time.

There was no time to reminisce with the current pressing issue.

Killua’s face was heavy on Gon’s mind, and a certain guilt prickled through his skin.

 _Please, please pick up._ He begged in his mind, phone tightly pressed against his ear.  _And please let him understand._

Gon would be lying if he said that he wasn’t  _kind of_  taking advantage of his current situation, but even still Killua was the only person he could think to help him in this mission. The only person he  _wanted_  for this. It couldn’t be any one else, otherwise his plan would utterly fail.

He only hoped that Killua would feel the same, or at least understand in some way.

But… Even with this sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, his heart raced. He couldn’t tell if his face wanted to smile or cry, and he couldn’t guess what kind of expression he was making because of it. But besides all feelings of dread, he was  _excited._ With each passing ring of his cellphone, his breathing picked up pace.

 _‘Please’_ he whispered excitedly over and over.

The disappointment was crushing when the call went straight to voicemail. It wasn’t even Killua’s voice, just the typical robotic voice requesting to leave your name and number. He wanted to hear that voice again so desperately it almost hurt.

The last time he had gotten a call from Killua was two months ago, but it was on  _accident_ of all things. But it was the best accident to ever happen to him. The best, and maybe also the worst.

Killua had changed. And it wasn’t just the new rich deepness of his voice—Killua always had a lower voice than him to begin with, but it was more matured, and kind of..  _sultry._

But, um, that wasn’t all. It was almost—almost.. what was it? He couldn’t pin point it with words. Not sad, not empty, but—but what? It was  _off._

 _Off._ Yes, that was the only way to describe it.

He stared at the phone in his palm, wondering if he should dial again. But with a whiny sigh, he decided it was best to let him call back. If he would  _ever_  call back.

But regardless, Gon was taking way too long with this. He had to get back to the group before they started to get suspicious. Gon had never infiltrated something quite like this, especially since… Since, well...

He just really needed Killua to call him back.

It wasn’t long ago he was still on Whale Island, worrying about school of all things. When Gon had said that he wanted ‘ _more’_ , he didn’t expect that  _this_  was what it entailed.

And on that thought, he felt his phone vibrate.

He picked up instantly.

 

* * *

 

 

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” Alluka brought Killua out of his thoughts as that annoying ring tone continued to fill the air. He pushed back his messy white bangs and sighed. He supposed he should answer, and yet here he was hesitating.

How long has it been since he’s talked to Gon? In the first year of their parting, Killua would send lots of messages—mostly pictures—of the places him and Alluka have travelled to. But soon enough, those texts became less and less until they completely stopped. The last time he made a call was about two months ago and it had been an _accident._

It happened when Alluka and himself had gotten into a bit of tug-of-war over his phone with her demanding that he send Gon the picture they took with Palm in town.

 

‘ _I bet he would want to see it! You used to send him pictures all the time, come on!’_ was her argument, but for some reason the idea of Gon seeing the picture of the three of them—Alluka hugging the both of them tightly, forcing Palm into his side and returning the embrace otherwise she’d likely be hugging the ground instead—was kind of embarrassing? After going so long without contact, sending something like that out of the blue seemed a little _too_ weird. Well, that’s what he likes to tell himself anyways.

He wished she won the fight and just sent the damn thing, because what happened instead _still_ makes him cringe. The phone, now opened to Gon’s contact page, eventually fell from both of their grasps and to the ground. Luckily it didn’t break, tough thing that it was, but Killua had half a mind to crush it himself when he saw who they had accidentally called.

He snatched it up right away before Alluka could even think of trying to reach for it, but it was too late to hang up. Gon picked up on the first ring.

Gon’s voice let out a cheerful, almost overeager ‘ _Killua?!’_ and for a few seconds, the only thought echoing through his mind was ‘ _oh’._

If it wasn’t for the way he called his name, he would have said he barely recognized the voice. It was definitely Gon, but that bright and high voice he was used to was knocked down an octave or two and it did a thing or two to Killua’s stomach. 

“Gon..” he stuttered out his name, unable to mask the surprise from his voice. Of course his voice would have changed, why was he so shocked? He was thinking of what else could have changed when a familiar, yet much deeper laugh broke his train of thought.

 _“Were you expecting someone else?”_ He internally shook himself, pulling himself together and glanced at Alluka and Palm. They were staring at him with this look in their eyes that put a slight pink flush to his cheeks. That big toothy grin he usually loved so much (and reminded him so much of a certain someone currently on the phone with him) spread across Alluka’s face as if this was her plan all along.

_Cheeky brat._

The rest of the conversation with Gon had been spotty and awkward, and way too short. After he explained the call has been accidental, Gon seemed surprisingly disappointed; letting out a soft ‘ _oh’_ as if Killua had just pulled a mean prank. Neither of them hung up, the only sound between them was Killua’s mess of a nervous heartbeat and a constant ‘ _shit shit shit’_ running through his mind.

 _“Well,”_ Gon eventually broke the pause between him, and Killua let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. _“I’ll let you go then, but promise to call me more okay? And intentionally.”_ His voice was surprisingly stern, but Killua could still feel the smile beneath it. He wasn’t really thinking when he responded.

“S-Sure, I can do that.” _Way to fucking go, Killua._ He inwardly smacked himself.

 _“You have to promise, Killua!”_ That whiney voice he knew so well brought him back to the days they were kids. Although it was a little weird to hear in such a lower voice, it still released a certain tension in his body.

“Yeah, I promi—”

 _“_ _The pinky finger _promise__   _has just been made; who ever breaks it has to swallow a thousand needles!”_ Gon sang.

“Gon, it is physically impossible to make a pinky promise right n—” Gon completely ignored him and continued.

 _“Sealed with a kiss!”_ He finished his sentence with a childish kissy noise that had Killua covering his mouth to contain a laugh.

“Are you still twelve or what?” Any effort to contain that laughter proved pointless as he spoke, and he felt a smile break out across his face. Immediately afterwards though, he let the expression fall and turned quickly over to Alluka and Palm. Just as he thought they were still watching him with sly smiles. Palm was whispering something to Alluka, but her words were lost to him. Forcing himself to ignore them, he turned his body completely away from them this time—as if that would help hide any of his conversation.

 _“I’m glad,”_ Gon again broke him from his thoughts and completely snagged his attention.

Gon’s voice had gone all soft, extra warm in that new deep tone of his. Killua drank in the sound of it before he knew what was doing, and barely managed a response.

“What do you mean?” He breathed.

 _“You sound happy right now. Before, you didn’t sound too happy to talk to me, but you’re laughing now. So I’m glad.”_ After all these years, Gon was still Gon. Spewing embarrassing words without so much as a stutter. If he closed his eyes he could imagine the way Gon looked at him whenever he said anything like that. It was in those moments where he felt he was truly important to Gon, the only time he could believe it.

“I have to go now; we’ll talk more another time. I have to—to, um.” Something felt caught up in his throat—probably his heart—and choked his words. _What’s with you, Zoldyck?_ He cursed silently to himself.

“I’m with Alluka and Palm right now, so we'll talk later, bye Gon.” He said in one quick sentence. Nice save.

 _“Oh, o-okay! Just remember our promi—”_ Killua instantly regretted hanging up so quickly. The pleasant vibes from the previous laughter he exchanged over the phone dissipated and left a sour after taste.

‘ _You didn’t sound too happy to talk to me before…’_

Of course that wasn’t true; Killua just didn’t know _how_ to talk to him anymore. It came to him so easily in the past, but this abrupt phone call didn’t help his case.

He should have told him. Oh hell he should have told him. He didn’t even respond properly, he should have told Gon it wasn’t like that. _Fuck._

But it was too late to feel bad about it, so he forced himself not to care anymore at the present moment before he returned to his sister and Palm. He didn’t look at their faces, but there was a new silence between them…

 

“ _Nii-chan!!”_   a flick to his forehead brought Killua back to reality. He was still sitting up in his bed, and his very grumpy sister was pouting at him from the end of it.

“You missed the call, dummy!” She waved her arms about like he just missed the most important call of his life.

“Oh,” he looked at the now silent phone in his hand. Maybe it was better he missed it, wouldn’t want a repeat of last time.

“Call him back right now!” She huffed, full of energy for such a late hour. It was pretty late, wasn’t it? Gon was still living on Whale Island with Mito-san as far as he knew, so it was probably even later into the night than where Killua was. Why was he calling so late?

In fact, this was the first call that _he_ initiated. They agreed that Killua would always initiate, so what was the big deal now? Did something happen?

“Maybe I should,” he stood up suddenly, a certain dread filling his chest.

He said this, but made no move to dial him back yet. Gon didn’t call again, so maybe it would be alright to wait till morning? No, he was just putting this off..

“Killua…” Nanika gently took his hand, her black eyes filled with question marks. He gave her hand a little squeeze with what he hoped was a reassuring smile before letting her hand fall back into her lap.

“I’m going to step outside for a bit.” He was already headed for the door.

“To call him back?”

“To call him back,” he nodded.  He didn’t know why his heart was pounding so hard, or why his palms had suddenly gotten so sweaty.

“You get some sleep—don’t look at me like that! I’ll fill you in when we wake up, is that good enough for you?” She looked like she wanted to argue more, but mumbled a quiet ‘ _fine’_ as he closed the door behind him.

He was out of the house and beside the small river out front in an instant, gulping down the fresh night air in an attempt to cool his nerves. When did something as simple as a phone call become so difficult? And with his best friend at that.

Well, Gon was still _his_ best friend at least. He hadn’t the slightest clue about how or with whom Gon spent his time over the past four years. The thought was tiring enough, but he didn’t really have the right to feel jealous. And of people that might not even exist. But god _damn_ did those potential people frustrate him.

When did he get this screwed in the head?

With one last deep breath, he hit dial.

Gon picked up on the first ring.

Not a mere second after he hit send, Gon was shouting an overeager “ _Killua!”_ that made his chest strangely warm, yet tight all at the same time.

Killua never really realized just how much he’s missed him until he heard his voice, and it made him want to groan aloud at how _fucked_ he was. Four years and of all times _now_ he was getting homesick—if that’s what you could call it.

“Gon, is everything okay?” Straight to business. He kept his voice cool, keeping it neutral.

 _“Killua, I have so much to tell you! It’s, um_ ,” he dived  right in, sounding like he had a lot to say, but just as quickly fell silent in a trail of ‘ _ums_ ’, ‘ _uhs_ ’, and ‘ _weeell, you see..’._

“Come on, out with it.” Killua wasn’t known for being patient.

_“It would be easier to explain in person, can I see you?”_

_Can I see you?_

The implications behind that one little question were numerous, and he asked it so easily. 

 

“Are you in trouble?” He avoided the question pretty terribly.

“ _No—no, well kind of? But no! That’s not it. It’s just a lot to explain. I’m on a job sort of and I just—I need your help._ ” He has never heard Gon sound so flustered in his life. Killua spent two years traveling with this kid (Or man now? Who knows) meaning two years of hardly ever being separated from the other. They slept together, ate together, hell they even bathed together but this might have been the first time he had ever heard Gon sound quite like this.

“My help with what exactly?” he had plenty of questions, but decided with this route.

“ _I have to tell Killua in person!”_ Stubborn as ever.

“You do realize you have to give me a little more than that?” He pinched the bridge of his nose; they were already back in the familiar banter they’d get into as kids. How nostalgic.

“ _It absolutely has to be in person!”_ Gon wouldn’t budge, and Killua didn’t know what to do. So he put his mouth on autopilot.

“Okay, well, that should be possible.” He gave in. Autopilot was a bad idea, but he never really had been able to say no to Gon. He could practically _feel_ the beams of excitement through the phone. _  
_

“ _Really?? That’s great!”_ This really wasn’t that big a deal. It wasn’t, but it _felt_ like one. Gon’s excitement must he contagious.

“ _Oh!”_ But all at once though, Gon’s voice dropped, and Killua knew what was coming. He swallowed hard, able to guess his next question.

“ _What about Illumi?”_

What about Illumi?

So much has happened that it would be impossible to fill Gon in tonight. It would just bring a lot of unnecessary confusion. He had _hoped_ that maybe, just maybe, Ging would have shot Gon a message and explained things to him. He should have known better than to expect anything from that gross excuse of a human being he called himself.

He still has never met Ging in person, and yet the man ended up being quite entangled in his affairs. And explaining this to Gon right now would be… overwhelming, probably. Another time.

“Illumi is… not an issue right now. Maybe ever.” He said vaguely, fiddling with a lock of white hair. 

“ _I see… We’ll talk more in person. Clearly we both have a lot to say.”_ Gon decided, and for that Killua was grateful. It would easier to explain face to face.

A small movement in the house caught Killua’s attention from the corner of his eye, and he knew what it was before he could even turn his head and see Alluka peaking her head out the window. She knew she was caught, and didn’t even bother trying to hide but instead gave him a little wave with a sheepish smile.

 _‘Go.To. Sleep.’_ he mouthed to her slowly. She crossed her arms and shook her head, when did she get so stubborn? He let out a frustrated sigh and turned his back to her, feeling only a little guilty for ignoring her so pointedly.

“ _Killua?”_ Gon’s voice was curious, yet hesitant. “ _Um.. Is that okay?”_

_Was what okay?_

That was what he was about to ask, but soon realized Gon must have misunderstood his actions.

“Oh, I wasn’t sighing because of you. Alluka is still awake and I’m trying to get her off my case and back to bed. So yes, it’s fine, lets just—I’ll just call you back tomorrow.” Gon instantly brightened at that.

“ _Okay! Tell Alluka I said hello, too! Oh, do I get to meet her? Should I bring a gift for her? What does she like?”_ The questions went on and on; Killua could feel the beginnings of a headache.

“That’s what I have to figure out, okay? You’ll probably get to meet her, yes, but I get the feeling I won’t want to be taking her wherever you are.” Killua knew as soon as Gon picked up that he wasn’t on Whale Island anymore. The soothing sounds of the breeze, the gentle shaking of trees, and Mito-san humming as she goes about her daily routine were absent and instead replaced with a faint click-clacking of heavy footsteps and gruff men mumbling under their breath. From the faintness of it, Gon must have been in a separate room or something of the sort.

“ _You may be right about that.”_ So basically he was right.

“I’m always right. Anyways, I should hang up now before Alluka gets any more antsy.” It probably wouldn't be long before she came outside herself.

“ _Sure, but let me call you. I should be leaving this place shortly, but I can’t say for sure when that will be exactly, so..”_ Killua knew what he meant.

“I get it; it would be bad if I called at the wrong moment.” He didn’t really know his situation at all, but he understood this much. “But don’t call any sooner than ten hours from now.” That should give him enough time.

“ _Right! Oh—um, they’re starting to wonder where I am. I'll call you later, sorry, bye Killua!"_  Abruptly, the line went dead. And so did a small part of Killua.

He was actually going to meet up with Gon. He was going to see Gon. If felt so sudden it didn’t even feel real. Of course, he assumed they would see each other eventually and likely end in turmoil. But it was happening much sooner and under completely different circumstances than he anticipated.  

He considered drowning himself in the river right now, but of course he wouldn’t do that when he had Alluka.

Begrudgingly, he turned back to the house and grimaced when he saw Alluka waiting for him like a puppy at the door. He was not looking forward to the conversation he was about to have.

However, even with the anxiety growing in the back of his mind, he couldn’t say wasn’t looking forward to seeing Gon a little bit. Actually, he was really looking forward to it.

Four years of suppressed emotion was a lot though, and what might happen when he met Gon was, well.. He didn’t know what to expect.

He’d been living his life, _moving on_ from the chimera ant war and living with Alluka and protecting her.

In the beginning he thought that he would miss Gon—miss being needed by him. But it was a pleasant surprise when he realized he didn’t need Gon. He could get along fine without him even if he missed him. And everything that happened? All the memories? He didn’t even have time to think about them until the past year when things with his family had calmed down.

It might not have been the healthiest way of dealing with things, but he suppressed everything for the sake of his sister. He couldn’t take care of her if he was having nightmares of holding Gon’s hand—much like the hand of a decomposing corpse—as he begged Alluka to save him. Nightmares of being stuck in the ground, reaching out to a figure in front of him. That figure wouldn’t turn around as it started walking away. Blood staining it’s bright green clothes…

No, he couldn’t _live_ being stuck in the past like that. So he covered it up completely.

And now it was coming back.

Everything Killua has been smothering down now slowly started unraveling.

Whatever waited for him with Gon, it was going to be hell.

Oh, if only Killua knew what was coming for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sooooo slowly paced, I didn't mean for it to turn out like that way, but! Things are gonna get real bumpy in the next chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Not too much on Gon and Killua yet, but we'll get there. I love Alluka so much. Just saying.
> 
> Edit: I'm still working out the plot and the direction I'm taking with this so please bare with me as I write this next chapter! It could be a while before I finish it. Thank you for your patience!


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